If you have questions, please understand we are here to answer them. Before you submit a trouble ticket, we hope you’ll review this list of commonly asked questions. Most of these should answer any questions you might have.
Help, I forgot my password!
If you already have an account on the system, simply go to the sign-in page and click on "Reset Password," answer the security question, and we will send you out a new password instantly.
Help, I can’t Login to my account
Due to a recent surge in traffic, we have come under the scrutiny of a number of international law enforcement agencies. Don’t worry about this - it is only a passing fad, and they can’t touch us (we aren’t doing anything illegal here, right?) If you’re attempting to log in from a known IP or address tree with malicious history, you may have inadvertently been blacklisted, however temporarily. For example, if you are a paid member in good standing, and you attempt to login from work, and you work at the Department of Homeland Security, you may find your login rights temporarily suspended. We do apologize for this inconvenience and wish to assure you we’re working diligently to best identify malicious IPs from those genuinely wishing to participate.
Why has site security increased?
Many members have noticed that our security measures have increased in recent months. Due to being listed on a number of "advocacy" sites, we have been forced to endure an unprecedented wave of web traffic from outside entities like never before. While this has paid us hundreds of thousands of dollars in affiliate and advertising revenue, it has also required us to increase server allocations, security protocols and vSSL super-certification costs. We apologize for the numerical code now required to login to your account (passkey sent to all active members) and assure you this is only a temporary problem, which we hope to have resolved within the next few weeks.
How honest should I be about my child?
Ideally you should be as honest as possible. This will protect you from future legislation, but more importantly, a legacy of honesty throughout our network will ensure that all parties come through with the best experience possible. You might think your son’s penchant for setting things aflame is a problem, but other families may find it endearing.
What are the age limits for trading?
While there are no literal age limits, we strongly suggest members stick with a cutoff of 13 years of age, minus six-months for processing and assimilation. Most states permit children from the age of 13 to emancipate from their parents (genetic, adopted, foster or otherwise), so taking on a child over the age of 12 can bear uncommon risks. A word of caution to parents looking for a young girl of 14 years or older: There may be the very real risk of your "intentions" being misconstrued by your municipal judge, especially if you indeed have more adult intentions.
My child is pretty run-down. Should I still consider trading him/her?
Yes! One man’s garbage is another man’s gold, so don’t count your kid out of trading eligibility just because of bad skin, awkward arms or thick glasses. Many parents find these traits adorable in trades, especially if they find their child too handsome, too athletic or too intelligent. Do you consider those bad traits? Some trading parents do.
How do I place a fair value on my child for trade?
We have a number of guidelines in place to help you determine the value of your child in advance of trade proposal. (Go HERE to read a detailed summary of trade valuation guidelines.) In general, you should consider height, weight (based on percentiles by age), athleticism, attractiveness and overall health. Beyond that, it’s all up for debate. Maybe you think your child is too quiet or too loud, too active or too passive, too reserved or too sexually aggressive. These are all matters of taste, and ones that can be considered by other parents who may be able to love your child in ways you just couldn’t bring yourself to.
My credit card security number doesn’t match on the system
In order to process your VISA, MasterCard, Amex or Discover card transactions, we are now forced to require the three-digit security code from the back of the card. We have unfortunately come to the attention of the mainstream media in recent months, leading to a high number of illegitimate visits and signups from known government and international protection agency IP addresses. This measure further assures your security and diminishes the number of fraudulent profiles created within our system.
I didn’t get paid for last month’s affiliate revenue
Due to the exceptionally high volume of new members during the previous quarter, we have selected to move from our old financial institution to a new one with more favorable terms. Due to this shift, many affiliates may experience a brief delay in payment of affiliate revenues. For those with account balances under $5,000 there should be no delay. For those with balances pending in excess of $5,000, your scheduled payment may be delayed by as much as fourteen (14) days. If you still have not received your payment, please contact us immediately. If the error is on our end, we will gladly pay for wire transfer fees or overnight delivery (FedEx only) of a certified check. We do sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, and reassure you that this will not happen again in the future.
I want my friend/sister/neighbor to trade their child
No one can force their friends to trade off their kids, but you can encourage them to do so. We don’t need to know your reasons, but we do encourage you to send this page to those you love the most. If it’s for peace of mind or peace and quiet, our agency will work diligently to connect any child (yours or those of the people around you) with families who can love them more, better, or more and better.
Advocates are saying this is unethical. What should I tell them?
The long answer is that you should explain your reason for participating in the program. The short answer is that you should tell them to take a long walk off a short pier with a Chinese snorkel only authorized for use in Mexico… if that doesn’t mean anything to them, there is simply no way you could convince them of anything anyhow, so we would say to let it go at that point.
My kid is a real train wreck. How should I list him/her on the exchange?
On the surface, we’d say that you shouldn’t list your child on the exchange at all. Upon digging deeper and getting to better know your precious angel, we’d recommend with surest conviction that you should indeed list your child on the exchange. One man’s garbage is another man’s gold, and your child may just be that chunk of garbage that another man finds golden value in. This isn’t to say that your child is the very garbage you just suggested he or she was in the preposition of this question, which may in fact be your rightful perception, but that that your chunk of lead may be gold in the molding hands of the right alchemist parents.
I’m seeing an error message "IP_TimeOut******" (stars being variables)
Due to an unprecedented glut of spam, scam, government and outside Denial Of Service attacks, many of our premium members have experienced these error messages while trying to login, and while browsing profiles within the system. We sincerely apologize for this confusion and may agree to extend an account credit of $586 for affected accounts. If you feel the need, you are free to contact the telephone number given to you upon subscription at any time in order to talk with one of our corporate principals, any one of whom may be available 24/7/365 to address such critical client complaints.
What do "Agency Comments" mean?
These are the headline comments posted in regards to the child upon initial consultation from one or more of our private, licensed child-assessing staff members. These comments are not designed to be cruel or flattering, but unwaveringly honest, regardless of how the previous parent, future parent, child or state assigned social worker may "feel" about the assessment.
How many children can I trade in a single transaction?
While there is no practical limit, we like to limit trades to one or two, but three is acceptable if you have a private attorney draft and record the exchange paperwork. There is no "literal limit," meaning that if you have 20 children to swap out, and your attorney agrees with it, that’s all right with us, so long as you understand the permanence of the swap.
Is this slave trading?
No, of course not. The term "slave trade" suggests that a human being is swapped for cash, like they do it at most adoption agencies. We do not take part in any such thing. What we do is trade a child FOR a child. Even Steven, even if his Bizarro brother’s name is Stephen. No child is a slave, and if you’ve ever had a child, you can appreciate how hard it can be to get them to do their chores. No child is a possession. Not your old one, not your new one, not any child.
How will this appear on my credit card statement?
Especially if your spouse is unaware that you are considering a child trade, your billing privacy can be very important. It’s easy to say you should keep your wife out of your mail, but in case you don’t have the chutzpah to keep her in line, you need not fear your Visa statement will betray you. All funds collected are billed under the names of a variety of innocuous sounding company names. We can’t tell you what they are, because then they would be able to find it on Google, but rest easy knowing it will not simply say "Child Trading Services Ltd."
Is this a dating service?
We can not impress upon our potential patrons sufficiently that this IS NOT A DATING SERVICE. Even if you are a child who has absent or terrible parents, or you are an adult with a wayward son to offer up, this is not, can not, and never will be a dating service. Not in the past, not now, not ever, period.
No seriously, is this a dating service?
No, it is not. Please don’t ask about it again. The very notion is offensive that you would breed and raise a child simply to trade him or her for another child simply for the purpose of immoral, unethical, and illegal sexual intercourse.
So it really isn’t a dating service?
We only bring so much attention on this point because it really does come up this often (no pun intended) and really follows this sort of sequence. No, this is not a dating service, and any attempt to use it as such will possibly be caught, but not prosecuted (due to our privacy restrictions, as required by .fi domain laws, where our PHPMySQL database is hosted.)
I don’t like children, but I admire their tenacity. Should I get one?
You may not be a candidate for parenthood, but if it turns out that you are, you are free to trade your child for one you may end up liking better than that one you already have.
How much can I get for my precious angle?
First of all, your precious angle is obtuse, but your angel, however poor her upbringing quite obviously is, based on your question, may just fetch a fair amount of equity in trade. While we can not put a specific dollar value on human life, we can suggest the Dobson/Heywood Scale, which does exactly that. If your child can pull a +1 or +2, you could get a child two grades lower plus up to $10,000 in trade equity per grade. If your child is already a -3, you may have to offer up a rental house to get even a 0-balance child.
What about kids I have "found" that I might like to trade?
We do not encourage people rounding up kids strictly for the sake of trading, but understand that this is a very rare circumstance, and that when it does happen, those children are best served by being traded to parents who are more caring and nurturing. In practical terms, unless you have legal custody of the children, you can not trade them. If you DO have custody, regardless of what you did to "legally" acquire it, you are eligible to trade "your" children accordingly, perhaps for one you would better appreciate.
I found a nice couple who want to trade children for the weekend, that’s okay, right?
Be very careful when dealing with unlicensed "mom and pop" child traders. Though they may talk slick, it could be a dangerous situation. If you are already the dangerous party, however, odds are low that the other family is too, so in that case you’ll probably do all right.
